a lesson in firsts

By Death, She Lives

a monthly column by Jenna Vélez

TW: sexual assault/rape; miscarriage

a lesson in firsts

Jenna Vélez

you were my first

boyfriend (n): a regular male companion with whom one has a romantic or sexual relationship

and i let you see me when my skin was cold in your

living room

bedroom

hallway floor

stairs

kitchen counter

you were my first

virginity (n): the state of never having had sexual intercourse; the state of being naive, innocent, or inexperienced in a particular context

and i let you do things i only dreamed of

watched on a tv screen

it was then i learned abuse was a verb and a noun

you were my first

i drowned you in excuses and all you did was float

in spite of me

red-faced and aged a lifetime

i had to remember

that i wish you weren’t my first

chemical pregnancy (n): a very early miscarriage which occurs before the fifth week of gestation and well before the fetus can be visibly detected on an ultrasound

it was a week later you taught me rape was a verb and a noun